As I lay in this cold hospital bed, filled with ivs…Trying to hide back tears. The monitor is lying about my vitals being normal, When I feel like I’m dying. I hear a baby’s cry from down the hall desperately trying to get someone to love him as his pain radiates through these cold halls. The women next to me begging her husband to just let her sleep as they try to run tests on her heart to find the source of her willingness to give up. The man on the other side of me so drugged out on pain killers his snores echo through the whole hospital~ at least he’s getting some sleep. As they wheel me away for more tests I begin to realize why this place will never feel safe. I see all the empty un compassionate doctors desperately trying to find a diagnosis for all the people they can’t bare to look in the eye. I see a man laying out In the hall who looks like he saw hell. All I want to do is tell him he’ll be alright, even though I have no idea where his pain is hidden inside. My body starts to shake as I feel the saline coldness creep through my veins. All this pain will soon be over. The morphine quickly kicks in and I begin to feel numb~ I slowly drift off and this is the most happy I’ve felt in months.
I wonder if you knew you were playing with matches when you lit my heart on fire. Your touch was made of magic and I miss the chemicals that flowed heavily through me when we kissed. I wonder if you ever think about me and how my heart has turned to the coldest icicles, melting away each day. You’ll go to bed with her as I spend my weekends with boys who will never know my name. I chase people like this because I like to pretend they are you, we both know I’ve always loved fantasies. Maybe the reason I’ve always been so fond of you was because I understood the sadness in your eyes or maybe how our bodies fit perfectly together and how somehow you managed to get through the wreckage and become trapped in the deepest parts of my soul. I didn’t believe in ghosts until you said my name for the last time and how I’ve been haunted ever since. A year ago I would have never thought I was capable of these words. I now find romance in empty bottles and long nights spent high with people who will never even scratch the surface of my mind. Romance is dead just like us, the closest thing I have to the memories we once had is these poems I spill my heart into. My soul bleeds on this paper and I find peace within this sadness. I hope you know I still fucking burn for you.
Copy right on 10/16/14